Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 16/06/08 Title: Chapter 1: Coordinates

Dear Amanda.

Well, here I am in Normandy for a weeks holiday with my beloved brother and I’m using the opportunity to read some of those stories I have so long wanted to get to. Thus it goes without saying that those of yours that I have not had the pleasure of are on my list. I

’ve started with Holding On To Let Go and it’s proving a pleasure from chapter one. I’m intrigued from the opening ‘vision’. So why Dean’s left hand? There is significance here isn’t there?  He’s injured? Want to know!

I loved your exploration of Dean and Sam’s relationship to John. I, personally do not believe that John is an intrinsically bad man, quite the contrary in fact. I feel he is a deeply damaged and lonely man who has done the best he can under difficult and awful circumstances but there is no doubt that the boys upbringing has left ‘scars’.

Your exploration of their ‘alikeness’ as well as their differences is compelling and complex and a challenging pleasure to read.

I also enjoy your very ‘Winchester’ one liners. In this chapter this made me laugh out loud as I was quietly reading, surprising my brother who thinks all SN stories are freaky and ‘pixies and elves’ so he was taken aback at my obvious delight.

“Well, unless you get a tremor in the Force that tell us to vacate...”. I can see Dean sarcastically snapping that at Sammy, lovely!

Now your Brenna has me intrigued and I have to say slightly off balanced. I don’t know whether she’s a baddie or a goodie yet and so don’t know where to place her on my radar.

I want to like her because she’s feisty and has character, but If she’s gonna mojo Dean and hurt him or Sam then I don’t know. Clever characterisation though, Amanda because I’m unsure so far but still bought into her.

I can feel the sexual chemistry (or maybe its mojo?) coming off her and Dean and it’s a wonderful frisson. I don’t know if they are gonna end jumping each other’s bones but a big part of me hopes they might.

I think I said to you once before you write sex very well and this feels to me like it may just be delicious teasing foreplay. Or maybe I just have a filthy mind?  No, I take that back...go and read the sentence on page 22 where Brenna is describing Dean in his grey T-shirt and remembering his well muscled arms and hazel green eyes...that is pure lust, Amanda and its wonderful!OK so in summary. If this was my first, last, any fic I would be pleased as punch as it’s a hell of a read. The characters SN or OC’s are rounded and ‘alive’ for me and I am hooked into and keen for the answers to the compelling threads you have planted here. Reading on tomorrow and thanks for sharing it.  Bev xx

Author's Response:

Oh! I so hope you enjoy your trip to Normandy. Did you/will you see the WW II memorials there? I am not sure what, if any, there are, but I'm sure there must be something as it was such a pivotal place.

I sent you a rambling response to your ff.net reviews, but I wanted to make sure I said thank you to each of these as well -- I'm so humbled that you took the time.

As no doubt you learned working your way through this story, the only mojo Brenna worked was chemistry. I'm really pleased she was 'real' to you and that you absorbed the connection there. Yes, you made me giggle a bit when you said I was good at writing sex. I shared that compliment with my hubby and the grin he gave me should have lit me on fire. ;)

I gotta tell you... that gray T-shirt? My hands-down favorite thing that boy wears. Good. God.

Gaelic

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 16/06/08 Title: Chapter 3: Holding On

So it’s me I’m back again.

Wow, wonderful chapter...ok so I’m a pain pervert! Never made any secret of it and boy, do you do hurt Dean well!

I loved the reference to Dean being invisible to Brenna and she only seeing John and Sam when she looks for him. It’s so Dean, he thinks his raison d’être is to protect his family whether that kills him or not. Sam and Dean are like symbiotic creatures, each dependant on/heightened by the other.

I too liked the image of Dean putting his pain into a box so as not to hurt Sammy with it, but it’s like he’s done this so much now that he can’t ever do anything but that.   Poor kid!

You know what he needs?  A weekend with me – I’d hug him and hold him and let him relax and have a snuffle if he wanted to! Heehee...

Bev xxwould

Author's Response:

Thru Terry's Eyes said it best: pain is the ultimate aphrodisiac to people like us.

I told you in my ff.net reply that I think only the damaged can write as we do. And to see our hero hurt, see him struggle, and watch him fight to come out on the other side...

Toe. Curl.

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 16/06/08 Title: Chapter 5: Truth?

Right so its tomorrow and we’re just back from Ettretat, a pretty little Normandy seaside village (why do ya suppose Gaelic’s interested in that Ya idjit bev ?) and I’m onto ‘Truth’ and loving it as a chapter.

I admitted earlier that I’m a  pain junkie didn’t I? (Perv, yeah i know!) so what do you do?

You have Sam challenge a bruised and battered Dean to get out of bed under his own steam and then describe beautifully him doing just that! you are such a beaut, Amanda!

I love the burgeoning relationship with Brenna (So I’m thinking Gaelic beauty with magical powers and a fixation with Dean...humm...so like who did ya model her on then?? 

Oh but then youy had her take the Impala!  Heresy, girl and I adored Dean’s “No. Fucking. Way.” Comment. Isn’t fuck such a wonderfully evocative word? 

And then you made him go to the rescue on a tractor...heehee that cracked  me up!

bev xx

Author's Response:

Of course I'm interested in what you're doing over there! Tell me more. :) Hee -- you said "idjit."

Actually, I was just going to say a big thank you for getting this far in the story and your reviews w/out saying the dreaded phrase "Mary Sue." I wrote this long before I knew anything about fanfic phrasology and the basic "do's and don'ts" of keeping readers happy.

I can tell you that Brenna is not modeled after me -- the only thing we have in common is our stubborn streak and ferocity when it comes to protecting our own.

And, we both speak Gaelic.

But she is strong where I hesitate. Outspoken where I simply watch. Passionate where I am shy. And, of course, there are the druid powers, of which, I have none. :)

But I loved creating her and writing her and putting into her things that I couldn't say or do or be in life. Things that I needed in a character in order to draw out what I saw in my hero, Dean.

And yes -- the word "fuck" (while noticably absent in my spoken vernacular) is a fantastic word in fiction. I loved being able to free myself from the contrants of my upbringing and turn the boys loose. And I LOVED that we (all foul-mouthed fanficers) were all validated when "Ghost Facers" aired.

Hee.

GS

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 16/06/08 Title: Chapter 8: The Journey's The Thing

Ahhhhhhhhh!!   So I’ve finished and what a wonderful story!  You are a master story teller, Amanda. I have been terrified, captivated, entertained. I have laughed with frank humour and with the flutter one feels when a new lover comes into your life and makes you feel like you are sweetly on fire. Then too I have cried, with fear and loss and  grief. And all that in 130 pages of masterful words. Thank you for sharing, you talent shines from the page and makes me envious!  Bev xxx

Author's Response:

I am overwhelmed and honored to have recieved such words of praise from you. This was, as I've said, the first story I wrote and I like to think I've improved my craft a bit over the last several stories.

If you enjoyed Brenna in this, you will find her appear again in "Within My Hands," and "Into the Fire." I'm also writing a story this summer in which she will appear again, after I complete a "brother's only" story called "Hear No Evil."

I loved your analogy about being on fire with pleasure at finding something you enjoy. I hope if you continue to read, that you continue to enjoy. I will strive to never disappoint.

At least when it comes to storytelling. :)

Gaelic

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 16/06/08 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Chapter twoThis is a wonderful story, I can all see how Dean’s impetuousness is going to be his downfall but it is that which makes him incandescent with passion and excitement. Sammy is more measured...in some ways more mature and I am intellectually drawn to him, and though he is lovely he does not blaze anywhere near as brightly as Dean! I love the fact that Dean is the focus of the story. Not that you miss Sam out at all and your OC’s are wonderful, but I’ve had a reading week whilst I’ve been on hols here in France and so so so many stories centre so heavily on Sam, and just sideline Dean and his importance so I am loving this. I love in this chapter how you describe Dean’s constant motion, the thrum of energy, passion, danger that he exudes. And the explanation of Sam being uncomfortable with having two hotel rooms was poignant and rather touching. This is back to the first chapters thinking about them being symbiotically in harmony isn’t it? There is a strong hint within your stories of a shared spirituality that is very appealing. It’s a complex idea but very appealing on an instinctual level.  Oh and there’s sucha connectivity to Cale as well – she can sense Dean can’t she?  Wow that’s hot! Oh and I love Dean’s film buff references.  I was so a ‘Star Wars’ baby – the original of course not the dreadful later ones!  Hamil, Ford and Fisher, the wonderful triumvirate and Lucas at his best! Oh and Wizard of Oz references...cool!Heehee, this bit where they are preparing to go after her...Gee Amanda, I can smell the gung-ho, macho testosterone flying off the page, Dean...at his strutting cocksure finest and Sammy absorbing and getting in tune with that vibe.  It’s making me wanna get up and strut along with them.  Only thing is I’m about a foot shorter than Dean and more than that with Sam so I’d have a real problem keeping up. And anyway I so KNOW that they are walking straight into..forgive me...deep and stinky shit! A big part of me wants to stop them but the bit that adores stupid, stubborn macho wonderful sexy idjits  is shouting “Go Baby, go get the freaky bitch!”  I think i may have had too much rich food here in France...I’m over excited aren’t I?  Sorry!

Oh and the words from your banner are here too aren’t they? Do I recognise them? Have you explained them and I missed it?

Bev xx

Author's Response:

The words on the banner are from a Robert Frost poem, and will come into play later in the story once again. They are something I say to remind myself not to give up when life gets a bit too heavy. Promises to keep is the equivalent of a swift kick in the ass in Gaelic world.

I love it when Dean quotes movies. I mean, the boy quoted Ghostbusters in the finale -- when time was running out! I think it's such a fun part of his character. And I'm so with you on the "original" Star Wars trilogy. There is nothing quite like the original. And I find myself quoting parts of it in stories as often as I can get away with it. :)

And I loved picturing them walking along the street to "Dream On" while the heady, intoxicating smell of the French Quarter swallowed them up.

GS

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 29/06/08 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Amanda.

 

Apologies for the delay in continuing with this fantastic story. It’s in no way a reflection on how much I like it because let’s be clear it’s just great but the RW interfered with its non-SN crap!

Anyway, I love this chapter! Cale’s such a sinister adversary because she understands what makes Dean tick and therefore what buttons to press to terrify him and she’s doing a real good job. Bringing Sam and having him first desert Dean and then appearing to get killed is, I guess, the one thing that will always destroy Dean. He believes that he’s nothing without Sam, isn’t that sad? And so has no reason to continue if Sam’s gone. He’s not as motivated by revenge as Sam is so can’t even hold onto that to fire him. His despair and loneliness is palpable and the section where he lets slip he feels betrayed by Sam choosing his own life over Dean’s is heartbreaking.  You use words very cleverly in your writing Amanda, and that makes it so rich. Here, he unwillingly reveals he feels betrayed to Cale and dammit if that, to Dean isn’t a betrayal of Sam. So the betrayed becomes the betrayer in his poor wonderful warped Winchester mind. Complicated...layers on layers of meaning...wonderful!

And then you take us back to the earlier chapter when Dean and Sam  were ‘tooling’ up to go hunt Cale and we had that testosterone dripping prepare and strut scene as the boys mirrored each other. That was full of bravado and hot-headedness and was, I have to say, hot! So now you give us a slightly more chastened, measured version with Sam prep-ing for the rescue with the Coulee’s and the parallels are all there but they are rightly muted, humbled almost by the knowledge that their bravado first time led them into this dire situation. Oh but you still managed to make it hot!  As Sam “secured the rolled up knives in the hollow of his back”. And then that paragraph about Sam’s greater power with a blade! God, I’m a total Dean girl but what an image, Sam wooha!

 Thank you.

So just when I think you have crushed our boy and he’s powerless in his dark box with his fears you start to pull him out. Yeah! First comes anger because he’s where he is because of a ‘fucked up Voodoo sorceress ‘ and her ‘fucking evil witch sister’. Love the venom you inject into that word. I know there is debate about the rightness of expletives and the boys but I think we have to remember SN is a mainstream show so has a line it has to tow and if this were RW I think Fuck would be well in their vocab. Then you give him his pain as power, ‘used his pain to drive himself forward’ Wow, what an emotive and (forgive me...pain junkie!) wonderful image! Oh and whilst I’m on perversions (mine not yours of course!) thanks so much for the ‘soft brush of the panther’s tail across his bare feet’.

I suspect you don’t even wanna know how enjoyable that was for me!

 

OK, so now I’m at the bit where Sam’s found Dean in the ‘box’ and Dean can’t quite believe it’s really Sam and I just had to say how much I loved the slightly delirious (god don’t ya just love slightly delirious Dean?) mumble of ‘...I think I pissed her off...’ That’s so adorable, cause of course its understatement of the year and even in the dire straits they find themselves Dean makes Sammy smile. God what a brother! So there I am smiling like a loon at the funny sweet, softness of that and then...BOOM! you hit me with ‘ You’re not alone. You’re never alone, you hear me?’  ‘I am without you,” Dean whispered. OMG! Full on tears. That’s one of the many things I love about your stories, Amanda. They are an emotive roller coaster ride that shakes, shudders and trembles the reader to life. Tremendous!

Oh and then you have Sam carry Dean out of the house!  Well all I have to say is ...you so OWE me a box of tissues!  If there’s one thing guaranteed to have me in tears it’s that. Thank you, it was beautiful because you convey Dean’s vulnerability without ever making him less than he is...so it’s never girly but it is vulnerable. Difficult to do but you manage it so well.

As to Beth...I knew she loved him!  It was just the loss of her son that had her grieving so. I’m pleased about that. He needs all the loving he can get. So there I am luxuriating in Dean being cared for and then...BOOM 2...the witch is in there, in Dean’s head with him. God you conveyed his fear so well. Hell, I was scared reading it! And not only that but Bird, my cat who is a smaller version of your panther – all lean, sleek and black chose that moment to jump onto my knee.  Jeeze I nearly pee’d my pants!

And finally, oh god apologies as always as I have so run on again, but Brenna’s coming to the rescue.  Yeah, love Brenna she’s a wonderful OC. So I’m going to the next chapter and just in case it’s not apparent...I quite like it, it’s not half bad as a chapter!!  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha  Bev xx

 

 

Author's Response:

Lady, you are freakin' amazing. I think I read that paragraph about the word "fuck" to everyone I know. I love that you called out how visceral that can be -- and that's exactly why I use it in stories. I don't use it in life, but in stories, I give myself permission to say, do, *be* things I'm not in life through the characters (mine AND Kripke's).

As far as Beth is concerned... Keep reading. I hope you're not disappointed and I LOVE that you're enjoying this, my 2nd fanfic.

Thank you as always for your wonderful gift of a review.

Slainte,

Gaelic 

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 12/01/08 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2

"John wanted the bastard dead; Dean wanted to keep people alive."

That's so telling and so true and i've been trying to articulate what the difference in prime motivation for Dean and John was for ages and you've captured it in one sentence! Damn clever!

“We can never be this stupid again,” Sam declared.“We Oh, I’m pretty sure we can. We shouldn’t, but we can,”

This is lovely I feel like I'm sitting there on the dirt floor, watching their painfilled faces as they tease each other!

I really liked the explanation of why Dean hums and sings when he's hurting and that it come's from John, it was John comforting him and he uses it in turn to comfort Sam.  That's sweet.

Loving it Gaelic!  Reading on!

Bev xx

Author's Response:

*grins*

Thanks so much, Bev! I'm so pleased you're enjoying this! Hee.

*claps*

Gaelic

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 12/01/08 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4

The other boy, though… he leaned forward carefully, not yet touching him. He was in a curled heap next to his brother, his head on the younger boy’s chest. He was bloody from back to front.

As he leaned in he could see a bare slit of green showing through thick lashes. He reached out to touch the battered face. The boy flinched, turning his head slowly. The green eyes caught sight of him and blinked. He could see they were glassy with pain and exhaustion. He started to open his mouth to reassure him, to let him know he was there to help. He wasn’t prepared for the word the boy uttered in a thin, broken voice.

“Dad?”

Oh that's just heartbreaking, where is that man when Dean needs him?  Never bloomin there that's what? 

And the still human speaking wendigo?  just plain scary- freaking me out!

Bev xx

Author's Response:

Don't make fun of me for this, but... I got teary a couple of times while writing this story. The end of this chapter was one of them.

And when I read that wendigo's were human once (well, they said it in the show, too, but reading about it in Native American lore was trippy) I knew I had to play that up somehow.

GS

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 12/01/08 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Dean’s eyes were open, on him, watching. Sam’s face relaxed into an immediate smile.

“Hey,” he whispered.

Dean blinked and in his eyes was a look Sam had seen before. It sucked the air from him and left a hollow around his heart. It was a look of unabashed relief at seeing Sam safe. It was a look of complete love for his brother. It was a look of goodbye.

“Dean?”

Dean blinked again, a small smile pulling up the corner of his mouth. And then on a brief exhale of air, his eyes slid shut. The shrill cry of the heart monitor drove into Sam’s head like a knife.

Been there, heard the noise of the monitors, felt the pain as your heart breaks.......so sympathetically written, well done!

bev x

Author's Response:

Talk about chick flick--I was actually inspired to write that scene by "Terms of Endearment"... if you've seen that movie, you know what I am talking about. But all I could think was that Dean was pushed beyond the limit and when he saw that Sam was okay, he didn't need to fight anymore.

Except... except that he did...

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 12/01/08 Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 8

“Right here, people,” Dean ground out.

“Dean,” Sam leaned as close as his wheelchair would allow. “What’s wrong? What hurts?”

“God, Sam,” Dean groaned. “Arm… just… cut it off or something.”

Ouch!  like major league big time ouch!!

Oh I so like Abe, he's such a fine man,did you ever se Dances with wolves, i don't know his name but the native american guy who kinda adopts the kevin costner character - Abe looks like him for me. Those kind and beautiful brown eyes and that awesome long dark hair!

Loved Sam stopping Dean falling, bruisinf his arm holding him so tight!

Bev xx

Author's Response:

You're SO going to laugh, but since you mentioned bulletbabe already, I'll tell you that she said the same thing. Graham Greene, who plays Kicking Bird in Dances with Wolves, is indeed the perfect Abe.

In the "sequel" to this that I'm currently writing, I've brough Abe back and bullet graciously agreed to make the banner for the story, using Graham as my Abe and it's amazing. SHE'S amazing.

I'm so glad you liked him because with all OC's, I knew he'd be a gamble. But there are times when you like to see your hero's through someone else's eyes -- someone who GETS them, appreciates them, and helps you love them even more.

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 09/12/07 Title: Chapter 16: Chapter 16

Maggie.

I loved this.  It was so well observed.  the exchanges between Sam and Dean were funny and showed two brothers who love each other devotedly but who also at times irritate each other to death!

John was superb too, with all his repressed love for the boys and his inability to articulate it.  I thought you did his relationship with Dean especially well - so brittle and with John able to crush Dean with a word and vice versa.  They are so alike in many ways!

The last chapter where Dean tries to get up to walk up  the mountain and he thinks John is gonna leave him is just heart wrenching.  I was in tears at that point.

So In case I've not been clear I loved it and am gonna do the rest of the series.

Oh and finally (ok I know I'm a sick puppy) but you hurt Dean so nicely!

Bev xxx

Author's Response: thank you so much, i'm glad you liked it. it was my first story back over a year ago, and still stands as one of my favs. and if you like hurt dean, there's plenty of it in the rest of the series. i swear i tried not to, i just couldnt help myself. haha. 

Reviewer: birdie Signed
Date: 06/03/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Cass

This is a wonderful soul stealer of a one shot.  it's never overly sentimental or mawkish, but it is very beutifully poignant.  that Dean, who so wants Sam to come home, would pursuade him to stay is very typical of Dean's selfless devotion and it tugs at the heartstrings.

Thanks for another great piece of writing

bev x