I finally had a couple of minutes to write down a few things about me. I hope you like them and find me interesting.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice in nothing but leg warmers. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I travel the nation to translate ebonics for major universities, I write award-winning operas in 7 different languages, and I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I have won Olympic medals in rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized swimming. I seduce men with my sensuous and godesslike piano playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe (a garden tool, not a girlie) and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Dodgers, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding and speeding dangerously down 10 story parking structures on my roller blades. I wrote the software enabling Deep Blue to beat the Russian in chess on my laptop during halftime of a Laker game.
On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge as part of my community service. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won thousands of dollars every week three years running. The kindness of my heart enables me to donate it all to charity without placing a financial burden on myself. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and War and Peace in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair with one eye open. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid on time. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I can diagnose and repair computer controlled internal combustion engines in the time it takes to read this biography. I do brake jobs. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a wok and a toaster oven.
I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, coconut shaving contests in the Philippines, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have played Monopoly with Elvis, Tupac, and the Notorious B.I.G.
I also love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Batman with equal passion.
I post all of my completed stuff (including some more fanfiction from my favorite books and the like) at www.fanfiction.net/iamthepasserby.
You can follow me on twitter at http://twitter.com/AlanahC, and you can ask me anything at http://www.formspring.me/AlanahC.
