I really liked this look inside Dean's head. I had this on my to read list when I had time and I was not disappointed.  Hope all is well and happy holidays! :) Claudia

Author's Response:

Hi, Claudia,

Hope your Christmas break is going well. Lots of snow where you are? We had a very still and muggy day, followed by a thunderstorm alert this afternoon. The worst storms missed us, thankfully. 

Thanks for that. I'm glad you enjoyed this little peek inside Dean's most private thoughts. I figured that he'd let his guard down while alone and with no one to keep up the game face for, so it was lovely grist to get my teeth into and pull some angst onto the page. 

Dean's head these days is almost as messed up as Sam's, and that's really saying something. We've seen this type of self-destructive behaviour before, after John's death. Heaven knows what's going to happen now that Bobby's gone.

Take care, and I'll no doubt chat to you in the new year!

Merry Christmas

Jules

I love this!   Great view into Dean and his thinking process.   There are some major gaps in the storyline for this episode (for me) and this takes care of some of them very nicely.  I really love that you pointed out that Sam has done his fair share of keeping secrets and not trusting Dean and that  the whole family has a history of betrayal.  

I also love that Dean takes a look at himself and his own actions and blame for what's "wrong" between them.   That your Dean is self aware enough to see what is causing a lot of the issues, but doesn't seem to know how to bring himself to make the changes he thinks will help is very in character for him.

Great story.

 

Susan S

Author's Response:

Hi, Susan, and a belated welcome to the site. Sorry that I've been so very tardy to respond - I'm not usually this bad. But real life has had me by the throat over the last six to eight months. So I'm taking advantage of my Christmas holidays to catch up.

Thank you! I'm chuffed that you loved this slice of Dean's thoughts. I wanted him to sit down and have a good hard think about both himself and Sam. I've never pandered to the whole 'Sam's to blame' or 'it's Dean's fault' thing - I've seen faults and lies from both brothers, and it all contributed to allowing the angels and demons to drive that final wedge between them during season four. 

I've cried at the screen "oh, Sam, don't do it!" or "oh, Dean, you should not have said that!" numerous times. And I think in his most private thoughts, Dean would admit that it wasn't always Sam who lied. Dean's done his fair share, as has John, and Mary. Actually, it started with Mary, and the hunter life she led, which she felt to protect 'civilian' John from. 

I think that has been the underlying motivation for all the untruths - the reasoning that the liar is doing it to protect his or her family. But it's always backfired, no matter how good or noble the intention. 

Again, thank you so much for your review, and I'm so glad you loved the story. 

Jules

So good to have you back Jules - I've really missed your stories!  All my favourite writers on this site seem to have been on hiatus lately.  Not that that's a criticism - I don't know how any of you fit writing into your lives but I'm really glad you do.

Loved this one - being a Sam girl I was totally on the side of the younger Winchester in this matter.  I get why Dean did what he did, but the angst he's been putting himself through just shows that he knows his approach to this one has been less then perfect!  He was probably right about Amy but he really didn't argue his case very convincingly or at any great length and I don't blame Sam for being absolutely furious with his brother.  So I really enjoyed reading your take on Dean's reasoning even if I still think he was wrong in the way he handled things.  And I too have often wondered how Mary explained the death of BOTH her parents in one day!

I'm just having one more read of Here at the End... whilst some of it still takes place in the future.  That story's very bad for me - I always go to bed too late and always leave just a little bit late for work in the morning because I can't tear myself away from it!  I'm aiming to finish it on the actual date that the story ends.  See, like Sam, I'm a bit OCD myself!!

Can't wait for another one from you as soon as you can find the time ;)

Justine xx

Author's Response:

Hi, Justine,

Awww, thank you! It's good to be back....or it was....*sigh*....it has been awhile, hasn't it? Things will settle down in the new year, so hopefully I'll be back soon with a new story. And I'm on holidays at the moment, so you never know. If I'm a good little homeowner and get those nagging few things done around the place that I've earmarked for the holidays, I might be able to fit in some writing time.

You know, I've always considered myself a Dean girl, but I've defended Sam rather passionately a number of times over the past few seasons. I think it's because I understand where Sam's been coming from, and I can see where he thought he was doing the right thing, even though it turned out he wasn't. But there have been a few times where I've wanted to give my beloved Dean a good swift kick in the rear end and tell him to wake up to himself. 

Ah, Dean....gotta love him, even when you want to slap him silly. 

But I'm with you - I was shocked by Dean's blatant lie - I think I even yelled "Don't do it!" at the computer screen when he gave Sam that weak excuse about going to get some more painkillers. I understand that he didn't trust Amy's word, and he couldn't trust Sam's judgement, but lying to Sam's face....that didn't sit well with me at all.

I feel that season seven is going to be a big journey for Dean - almost a journey of self-discovery. I think he's going to have to do some heavy soul-searching - remember what he said to Jo about taking off the mask? I think Dean's going to take off that mask and finally discover who he really is, not in relation to being Sam's brother or John's son, but Dean Winchester. 

I'm looking forward to that discovery, even though I feel it's going to be a very bumpy ride. 

Oh, and you're back on Here At? LOL! How did you go on finishing it on the date the story ends? Which is...let me see...*rummages through files*...23rd of November, when they were on the highway heading home. You'll have to drop me a line and let me know if you made it.

Another one - well, fingers crossed. Hopefully one's coming soon.

Take care, and hope you had a great Christmas.

Jules

Mom never told Dad she was a hunter. Then she made that deal for his life, and unknowingly sold her unborn son down the river because of it. She made up a story for Dad about how Samuel had died of a heart attack. I don’t know what she told him about her mom’s death.

....

I wonder what she did tell John about their deaths. Interesting.

 Nice inner Dean pov. So glad to see you post...and what an amazing banner...I love how she has Sam's image - ghostly - in the backdrop. Just so amazingingly sets the mood for that ep and this piece.

And thank you Ziggy...for your extra special eye.  Keep that girl writing like you do for all of us with your wonderful support.

Take care, Team Mizpha! Really nice job!

Karen

Author's Response:

Hey, Karen!

I think that when Sam went back with Dean to save their parents, young John said that Mary's father had died of a heart attack, but her mother wasn't mentioned. 

It is a pretty spiffy banner, isn't it? Turned out so well. I'm glad you loved the story too - lol. I just had to go digging into Dean's brain after that eppy. I had to know what the flip was going on with that man! 

Glad you enjoyed the fruits of my labours. 

Take care, my friend!

Jules

So very nice Jules.... its just such a great glimpse inside Dean's head after the end of that episode. Without a doubt- he had little regret for what he'd done- only how it all played out afterward. I dont think he'll EVER have a regret if it comes to saving people or saving Sam... 

But he's so right about how the whole 'lying' thing is just twisted up in their DNA... and when it becomes a means to an end... they both just fall back to that time-tested tool way too easily.

Hopefully we'll see more of what happened at the end of last weeks episode - and what you've crafted here- realization and understanding. Breaking the cycle- and really appreciating what makes the other tick...

Like you wrote here... Dean needs Sam like he needs air...  (just loved that line btw!) Gotta hope Sam's just as hypoxic...

Awesome as always...

Tree

Author's Response:

Hey, Tree,

Thank you so much. You know I had trouble with Dean's motives at the end of that eppy. And thank you so much for jumping into the discussion and giving such a great viewpoint to Dean's motivations. 

And you're right - if it comes to saving people and saving Sam, he'll do whatever it takes and deal with the fallout later. But I think he was uncomfortable with the lying, even though it didn't stop him from killing Amy. 

Breaking the cycle - let's hope they do. Because I've just about had a gutful of the boys being at odds with each other. I know they won't be completely in agreement one hundred percent of the time - they are too different from each other to do that. But it's those opposing strengths and weaknesses, and differences, that makes them the unbeatable team that they are when they're in synch. 

We need that brotherhood back!

Thanks as always, hun, for your friendship and support. And you know, I do think Sam's just as hypoxic - he just shows it differently.

hugs

Jules

First of all, great to see you writing again, I know things have been busy, so I have been patient, especially because I haven't been active myself. That said, I'm really enjoying this.

I appreciated Dean's POV. You give us a little peek into his mind and how he really feels. His regret, not necessarily for what he has done, as he feels it was the right thing and even lying was something he had to do for the best of his brother's fragile state of mind at that very moment, but for being robbed of the opportunity to tell said brother at the right time and save him from the very agony this caused him. He realizes that Sam had no choice than to run, because this is who he is and that all this is just part of their sad family legacy.

Dean's long hidden feelings of being betrayed himself come to the surface here and in a way that makes me want to cry for him. The only one I can't agree with, not at this point in his life, is Sam not letting him know he was back from hell, as this wasn't Sam that was back, but only his shell. I agonize with Dean over Cas hurting Sam, something so bad, he can't even go there and I can see how this is betrayal of the worst kind to him. He is definitely very honest with himself about being the betrayer as much as being the betrayed when it comes to Sam and I like this a lot.

The sad thing and I think you bring this out here, is that Dean still thinks he has to protect Sammy, but can't accept that Sam feels the same way about him. I can forgive him there, as this is what his life has been about ever since he turned four, yet at the same time it would be so much easier for him, if he could get used to the fact that Sam wants to give back some of the protection. I do love Dean for being Dean, for being so fiercely protective that there will never be a question in his mind what to do, if his brother's wellbeing is on the line, even if it means he might have to live with the consequences'. Just wish he would be able to deal with it better, instead of drinking and alienating that very target of his protection.

Love how Dean sees how different he and Sam are and how he understands, why Sam needed to run. He hates it and it scares him, because he knows exactly what happens when the two of them are not together, yet he lets it happen, because he gets it. There is such a deep sadness there over how Sam deep down doesn't trust him with his all the way it used to be and yet he also sees that he is not that different himself. All the ‘shit' life has thrown at them just did that to both of them and it is heartbreaking that they can't get over it, yet at the same time completely understandable.

You really broke my heart when Dean started to wonder where Sam was now and what he was doing, hoping he was okay and his thoughts about how his little brother is too softhearted with ‘monsters', always seeing the good in them and even being able to convince him, Dean, to do so an more than one occasion. Yet because of the results of this he realizes that he needs to be the black and white guy, just like John taught him. He has to be the rock, the ‘Stone One" for Sam.

Wish we would see Dean analyzing himself like this in the show, as it sometimes seems like he is callous and can't see Sam's side. It always seems the show leaves us guessing and we have to wait to really understand, that's why it's so great to see you open that door into Dean's mind and heart.

Take care and I sure hope you'll find a bit of time to write ever so often. I really love your insights as well as your story telling. Hugs, Vonnie

Author's Response:

Hi, Vonnie,

I always tend to leave you till last lately, because I'm just so touched and moved by your beautiful words, I feel my replies do your reviews no justice. 

I am so thrilled you loved Dean's POV, especially since I think a few of us were rocked by the end of that episode, and Dean's blatant lying. Even though we understood that he was going back to his default setting - if it's supernatural, we kill it. And he can't trust Sam's judgement, since Lucifer's been playing around in there since the wall was brought down. Sam's reality isn't quite stable any more.

If only he could have tried to explain that to Sam....*sigh*...yeah, but would Sam have taken that well, or would he have crumbled further, thinking that his brother thought he was not to be trusted? But as it turned out, it all blew up in Dean's face anyway. Oh, boys.....

I get what you mean about it being only Sam's shell back from hell, and the complete Sam would have gone straight back to Dean. But I think in Dean's mind, that still wounded him - I think that Dean expected even soulless Sam to have the decency to let Dean know he was back. 

And yes, I think Dean will always have that sense that he has to protect Sam. His brother is the centre of his world. Dean has moulded himself around being Sam's protector and big brother - it's one of many 'masks' he wears. Not that the feeling isn't genuine, just that the real Dean tends to be suppressed. If that's the right phrase for it. Dean, I think, only sees himself in terms of what he is to others, and not as a person in his own right. 

Thank you so very much, my dear friend, for your awesome words. And I know that they all come from the heart. I love how you pick apart my stories, and gather up every little nuance to be examined. 

huge hugs,

Jules

Great to see your muse back! Loved this insight into Dean's head. Heartbreaking, but maybe he's learned from it.

 Kim

Author's Response:

Thanks so much, Kim.

Yes, I think Dean's got a big learning curve ahead of him this season. But he has already learned a few things - like letting Sam go to clear his head and cool off, so that's a good start. 

Dean, I feel, needs to really let a lot go and work out who he really is. In a sense, he needs to go off and get his head together as well. All his life, he's defined himself by who he is to others - Sam's big brother and bodyguard, John's son and best soldier. Dean needs to strip away that mask, like ghost-Jo told him to, and find out what's really underneath.

And that's going to be a VERY interesting journey.....

hugs

Jules

Was so glad to see that you had posted another story.  I love your work. 

This was great.  I hope you feel inspired to write more soon.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much, Sylvia. I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

Dean's head's a very mixed-up place at the moment, so it was sort of fun digging around in the debris and find some lovely, meaty angst to play with. 

As for more soon....I'm working on it. Got a few things to catch up on first, so we'll see how we go. But I've got lots of works in progress in the folder to be finished off, so I'm not going anywhere any time soon - lol.

Thanks so much for your support.

Jules