I've always found it a bit ironic (?) that while the boys apologize to each other frequently- I'm not sure that we've ever seen Sam apologize to Dean for his lies... and heaven knows he's had his fair share. I was kinda looking back to see if I could find a scene where Sam apologizes to Dean for that- and while I see all sorts of apologies for all sorts of wrongs between them... never that from Sam...

I'm not sure it really matters though- since in the scheme of things... I dont believe Dean will ever keep score when it comes to Sam. He just doesnt have it in him to be able to walk away from his brother- no matter what perceived WRONG Sam might commit... and he'll continue to do what he thinks is right in order to protect Sam till his dying breath.

This chapter is so beautiful because it sums him up right now - perhaps sums him up as he's always been. Maybe he's just not admitted it!

Lovely as always, BJ!

Tree

Author's Response:

You know, you may be right about Sam...I can't remember either, a specific instance where he apologized for the lies.  I think Sam always has the justification for his lies and he is sorry for choosing wrong and making mistakes...but the lying?  Interesting.

I know some Dean fans get upset that Dean is always apologizing, even when he shouldn't have to, but that is Dean, taking on responsibility, sorry for everything.  I did like here when Sam found out, that Dean said he was sorry for deceiving him, but not for doing the deed.  I think Dean will always apologize for hurting Sam, even tho he feels it was done for the best.

What I love about writing these drabbles is that I get to voice all the fears and thoughts that Dean won't.  He buries so much, but it is still there, weighing him down and he needs to vent.  This is his chance, to not only speak his mind, but offer his own justifications which again, Dean rarely does.  He simply is the guy who does what needs doing, with no complaints or explanation.

Man, I love that man!

Thanks again, always great to discuss Dean!  Later, B.J.

Beautiful how you referenced back to earlier comments Dean has made about being a killer ... similarities of him and Sam being monsters...

I can just imagine this is what goes through his head when he's quiet and alone... tormented thoughts plaguing him- desperately trying to justify his actions when the guilt threatens to overwhelm him... and only because he's been soooo indoctrinated since his childhood to push aside his feelings, protect his brother, follow orders,  --- simply no room for error or second-guessing..

I can only hope that in light of last weeks eppy- Sam will put aside his emotions and maybe really take a long look at his brother. I think that's Dean best hope here- that Sam can break through that wall of self-doubt and self-loathing and maybe make the guy see that the weight of the world really isnt always on his shoulders!

Wonderful insight as always, BJ!

Thank-you!

Tree

Author's Response:

Thanks, Tree! Dean is such a complex man, I can't believe he truly loathes himself and yet we know he thinks better of everyone else.  I think in his darkest moments, he feels he can never attain those high standards that John and he himself put on him.  Dean takes on responsibility and then when things go wrong, he assumes the guilt.

It is noble but misplaced.  I too want Sam to finally see his brother and reach him.  To break thru those impossible standards and get Dean to see that who he is is good enough...hell,  damn good compared to most men!

I just don't think Dean feels he can take a chance and let something live because the ramifications if he is wrong are so huge. 

Dean is still that wounded sensitive child trying to deny his feelings so he can be the bold hunter he believes he has to be.  Merging the two is the problem, and acceptance...

I just want both boys to be there for the other.  Thanks again, B.J.

Brilliant...as always!

Author's Response: You are too kind.  Dean speaks to me and I write it down... And no, I don't actually hear his voice, but it is like he's whispering in my ear as I write these. So, yeah, that's pretty cool! *grins*  Thanks again, B.J.

I saw some of the commentary about the Toronto convention and what Jensen had to say about Dean's actions in this episode.  I thought it was interesting that all of the guys really saw it as a necessary thing, and an act of mercy.  The girls all saw a mother protecting her child.  It makes you think.    

Author's Response:

It does make you think, which is why I love how Supernatural manages to stir up all this controversy. I think even Dean saw a mother protecting her child...it just didn't make a difference.

Guys are more used to being analytical in their thinking, keeping emotion out of the mix. 

I feel that Dean was as compassionate as he could be, for someone he was killing.  He gently held her and laid her down.  He wasn't cruel about it, even saying he was sorry.

I think we're the ones who are shocked and can't understand...but then, that's why these guys are so fascinating.

Take care, B.J.

I've always wondered WHAT Dean would say if he ever knew that Sam and Ruby bled that nurse dry prior to the events at the convent/ killing Lillith? Would there have been any justification by Sam then that might have appeased Dean by this standard? Granted- I s'pose you could say that was all on Ruby technically and the woman was possessed... but in the context of this... it makes you wonder how Dean would have reacted. Of course this is Dean and that being Sam- his brother... I'm not sure there's anything he couldn't forgive when it came to Sam. Maybe that IS his only shade of gray?

Maybe those two things aren't even similar- but oddly- after last nights episode, I think Sam is the only person he cuts ANY slack to( and yes I know- some are gonna say there's that undercurrent of suspicion still there i.e. the 'freak' comment) but its obviously not to the 'things' he hunts- and obviously not to himself (hence the comment about the Ghosts coming after him someday...)

I must say- you always get  me thinking! (or rambling as might be the case here- LOL)

 I like the dual dialogue of this one... Amy pleading- justifying- but Dean remaining stalwart - unbending, because he KNOWS the consequences if he doesn't.

Great insights as always!

Tree

Author's Response:

Tree, you bring up such interesting points, and this is exactly why I love Supernatural so much!  I love all the philosophical quandaries the boys face and how they deal with them.

Honestly, the draining the blood out of the nurse was a huge issue for some, but not for me.  Dean was actually a party to the same thing before their big showdown with Luci when they drained those other demons for enough go-juice for Sam to be powerful enough to face the devil.

So, like Dean, I seem to make allowances for the Winchesters.  I see and rationalize how doing their job requires them to tread on the shady side.   I think they often have to venture into the gray areas but what I love about Sam and Dean is I never consider that they will ever go darkside, not in the humanity-losing, blacken-your-soul kind of way.  If that makes sense.  I always have faith in our boys.

I think the nurse is like Amy, someone that we were introduced to as a nice person, 'human' and relatable. The truth is every human host they kill with the Colt or Ruby's knife is a shady, but necessary, kill.  It's complicated...which I love!

I don't think Dean could or would ever see Sam as evil or even gray.  Misled, dumb, untrustworthy - yes, absolutely.  But even in BUABS when he saw with his own two eyes Sam kill another hunter, he refused to believe or act on it.  As he later said, he was right...but he had nothing to go on there except his absolute faith and refusal to believe otherwise in Sam.

Even with Sam pleading for him to kill him, Dean couldn't do it.  His statement was simple, he'd rather die and then later, he just knew that couldn't be Sam.  So if Dean believes in anything, he believes in his brother.

Even though Sam has done worse things than himself, Dean will believe he deserves the ghosts coming after him, but he will never believe that Sam deserves the bad coming for him.  And if anything bad does come for Sam, Dean will protect him with his life.  That's just the way Dean sees it.  And I love him for it.

Man...these short little drabbles do inspire such discussion, just like our brilliant little show!

Thanks again, B.J.

Reading this is like a window into his soul... its more than just listening to his justification or rationalization... its his hope and fear laid bare... underneath it all is really his fear for Sam weather or not he admits it...

And you've captured that soooo eloquently... (or at least thats how it strikes me!)

Once again - I'm amazed at the how much you can convey with so few words!

Tree

Author's Response:

Thanks, Tree! Jensen makes Dean so accessible, so open with what he is feeling...even when he tries to hide it and refuses to talk about it.

There is so much depth to the guy.  And even tho he sees what needs to be done as simple, we know there is so much conflict there.

I have such time constraints now with my job that it is nice to be able to sit down and actually write something that seems to flow and I don't have to agonize over. These drabbles are addictive and can be satisfying, taking that one short glimpse inside the man we all love so much.

Thanks for the feature, that is always an honor. *pets the pretty ribbon*

Lots more to come...'cause it is totally true, nothing Dean does is simple or easy. Later, B.J.

Very poignant, BJ. (Not that I'd expect any less from your writing) I wasn't shocked by Dean's actions... my heart actually broke just a bit more for him. Torn once more between what has been ingrained "black and white" and perhaps an inner struggle of "gray" foreshadowing the guilt or the desire to want to believe in the power to change (if only for Sam's sake.)

I've never been much of a drabble fan- its like someone giving you a fork-full of pie... all-too-often its just unfulfilling and desperate for more. This is no exceptiong BUT... in a good way. I'm anxious to see what your next pieces cover or where they pick up. This one was like a momentary glimpse into Dean's mind at that split second after he did the deed.

Again- excellent piece!

Tree

Author's Response:

Thanks, Tree!  I agree, drabbles seem like too little...especially when I am usually so long-winded about my fav characters.

Strangely now, I do find them fulfilling because I have such a time issue and for a theme such as this, I've discovered I can say a lot in 100 words.  I've already written over a dozen of these drabbles.

It seems I have much to say about Dean's psyche at the moment, the hard decisions and yes...what will this do to our guy? 

I love those momentary glimpses into Dean's mind, he is so fascinating and putting him to the test like this brings up so many insights into the hunter and the man.

Thanks again, B.J.

Yes, spot on.  Dean's a hunter but he's also more than just his daddy's blunt instrument.  He's complex, and the past few years we've been led to believe that he can perceive the rare good in evil beings, the occasional gray within the mass of black and white - and differentiate between the two.  That's what made his actions against the Kitsune so shocking.  But you're right, at the base of it all he's a pure hunter who's first instinct is to take down the monster before it kills again, especially if it means he's ultimately protecting his brother from learning that Sam's merciful approach has only led to the death of a future innocent. And I agree with your end notes.  Dean's actions reflect the manner of someone at the end of his rope.  The betrayals (Cas), the heart break (Lisa & Ben), the seemingly endless run of bad luck (Sam) - Dean's lost all hope.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel.  There must be no respite for the wicked. There's only black and white.  

Author's Response:

Oh, your comments are spot on! Dean is so complex and while he wanted to believe in good and that people could change, recent history has shown him that is false hope.

I think Cas and Lenore both play into his decision.  John would have done the deed and not agonized about it.  Dean will do the deed and then feel guilt and remorse, even though he knows it is the right thing to do.

Dean was raised to only see black and white, to hate evil and he did. Sam showed him a gentler way and he tried, he wanted to believe and yet, what happened?  Nothing good.

Dean is cracking, he is holding firm to the one thing he's always had to believe in, you kill evil.  Everything else has disappointed him and caused more death.

He is back to black and white.  I only hope he again can someday see the gray and find hope again.  He needs help.  I hope he finds it.

Thanks for the wonderful discussion. I love looking beyond the actions to the root cause of why he believes as he does.

Later, B.J.