This was love and he didn't deserve it.
A number of people I know saw something else in Sam's face during that scene, but I swear I saw a flash of pain cross his face, just for a brief second, before he offered up that rather lame excuse that he had his car set up the way he liked it. I think his carefully constructed walls took a major hit, and he was backpedalling, desperate to shore up the breach before stuff came pouring out that he just wasn't willing to deal with.
I loved the scene-setting at the start, but I do have to say...oh, the puir wee moosie...
Sam just lying there in the rain, gazing at the sky and literally drinking in the freedom of being free and finally alone - it was heartbreaking and joyful all at the same time.
And then watching through the window, knowing that if he knocked, Dean would leave Lisa and hit the road with him again and not being able to bear the strain of being the one to take away Dean's chance at happiness....and this line that stated succinctly what I've felt for a long time about Sam - He had a peace that Sam was certain he would never find for himself and that was enough for him to feel some satisfaction.
I'm sure that Sam hasn't had any peace in his life for a long time, and I wondered, given the end of season five, whether he'd been planning that for a while, or saw it as really his only way to redeem himself. I despaired of that end for Sam, but it made sense, once I got over the initial shock.
I loved all the mixed emotions in this - equal parts sadness and hope, beginnings and endings. This piece really tugged on my heartstrings in quite a few places - and there was a strange burning in my eyes in parts as well. Must be dust in the air.....
Thanks so much for sharing this.