GREAT view of Sam's point of view.  Sigh.  So sad!  Thank you!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing, much appreciated.  Take care, B.J.

Very cool BJ. No one can get inside Sam's head quite the way you do. I love that Sam recognizes that once in his life- he's demanded to get something 'his way' and he has- but now he's realized that he didnt really want it- how ironic. I also love that in this somewhat internal dialogue- he's also come to realize the total impact of all his actions and all the ramifications.

But I also totally love that despite the fact that Sam might think he's lost all hope- lost Dean- he recognizes right there at the very end- that Dean offered the Impala- that tiny little glimmer of hope... maybe... just maybe...

Awesome piece BJ... I reallly enjoyed it!

Author's Response:

Thanks, Tree, I really appreciate the kind words. I'm never as sure of my Sammy voice so to hear you think I got it right means the world.

I love that Dean offered the Impala and that should tell Sam that there is always hope and that hard as it is, Dean will never forsake him.  They both just need time.  Later, B.J.

That was a heartbreaking peek into Sam's troubled mind. But I have to say, it was beautifully written. And thank you so much for doing Sam's thoughts such justice. 

It was a struggle for him to walk away, even though it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And it was just as hard for Dean to let him - and the offer of the Impala - well, that speaks loads for Dean still caring about his brother, despite all the baggage between them now.

Sam's inner thoughts and fears were so vividly painted and so true to character - we're glimpsing the old Sam, not the uber-hunter we saw in S4. I wonder how much the blood changed him - because that wasn't Sam - not our Sam. 

I'm hoping that things can be fixed between them, too, because it was so damned hard to watch that scene, knowing that the boys themselves didn't really want to do it, but both realising that for now, it was the best solution. 

Again, thank you for this - I've read a few S5 fics lately that just break my heart - not because of the poignancy like this one, but because either Dean or Sam is so out of character. You have portrayed Sam beautifully, and this Dean girl thanks you very much for that. I've always had a huge soft spot for Sammy, even when he was going so far off the rails during S4. 

And like Sammy, I'm holding on to that hope that he and Dean can be brothers again. 

Jules

Author's Response:

Jules, what a beautiful, well thought out review.  I'm honored.  And I really appreciate hearing you think I got Sam's voice right, that is always my ultimate goal, to be true to the characters. 

These boys are so very complicated and there is always so much going on beneath the surface.  Many roads led Sam to this place and he is conflicted, knowing he needs to fix himself but also I don't think he wants to leave Dean, he needs him, but how hard it is to hear that Dean doesn't trust him?

That is why I loved the offer of the Impala, and it means the world, that Dean still treasures his brother over the love of his life, that car.  But there is so much that has come between them, so much hurt and disappointment and it takes time to heal wounds like that.

They both need time to heal and forgive, themselves and each other.  No one is fully to blame, they've both made mistakes, but Sam is hopefully ready to face his, examine that dark aspect of his personality and hopefully come to some answers.  Accept who he is and move forward.

They have work to do, and they need to unite together to do it.  Thanks again for such a lovely review.  Take care, B.J.

Hey BJ.

WOW.Wonderfully sad guilt fest. Is there anything better than a healthy dose of Winchester guilt?

Few things about Sam and Dean's situation:

I just want Sam to forgive himself. Only if he can do that will he be able truly get back together with Dean.  It's not so much fixing things. He can't undo what he's done. He needs to come to terms with his own imperfection.And needs to accept that things sometimes go the wrong way even if you didn't want them too. The road to hell is paved with good intention. Learn to live with your flaws and you will find your way back into things.

Sam struggled with Dean's change in personality last season so much because he didn't understand the guilt Dean was feeling for the things he had done in hell. It wouldn't fit into his hero-worshipping.He didn't understand that some things in life change you. Not to become weak or to be broken. That's simply an intermediate state, the commercial break so to say. That's only the period in time when you need to sit back, look at things, accept them as a part of yourself. That might seem weak to others but self-reflection is NEVER easy. It's the hardest thing to do- and Sam is in that same state in this story. Looking back he only sees the bad things but he will eventually discover the good things again. 

NSam needs to accept that he has done horrible things. Only then will he be able to carry on. He needs to re-invent his self-image. And that is about the toughest thing a person might have to do. And it takes time. Sam needs to remember that he isn't just a failure. Needs to remember he did things (good or bad) that made him the person he is now. Learn from his experience (again, good or bad) and -sorry, that sounds harsh now - grow up. 

Due to Dean's protection he has never really needed to fight and take all the punches life could throw at him. And I think that's why Dean let him go. He knows that you need to let those you protect and love go at some point so they can evolve and return. This new freedom is a terrible thing because you have to account for what you have done. But it is also a great chance to regroup. 

I am sure they will find a way back together. And I REFUSE to believe it will be brother vs brother in the end. 

Thanks for sharing this ficlet. It was so emotional and true to character that I heard his voice while I read it. Well done!

Cheers, Ilka

Sorry if I sound a little rambly and chaotic... It's been a little rough... I hope you get what I meant to say...

 

Author's Response:

Oh, Ilka, I totally got what you were trying to say...and you said it wonderfully.  Thank you for such a detailed, insightful review.  It again makes me feel guilty that I don't read and review much now.  

I tend to write very emotionally, but then how can you not when you are dealing with the Winchesters and all their angst? But to hear that it is true to character is the nicest compliment.  And while I feel more comfortable writing Dean, I'm getting more sure of my Sam voice.

I hope we get more insight into Dean and his changes from his Hell experience.  And Sam has always been protected and it is hard stepping outside those boundaries and standing on your own.  The old "be careful what you wish for".

I've always believed that Sam always knew that Dean was there, if ever he needed him.  I hope he still knows that Dean is there, the offer of the Impala proof of his love, but it is time for Sam to go his own way and learn his own lessons.  

And I agree, it won't come down to brother against brother, they are better than that.  They need to reforge their bond and kick some angel/demon butt.  Nothing can defeat them when the Winchesters stand united as a family.

Thanks again, much appreciated.  Take care, B.J.

I think you nailed Sam's feelings after 5.02.  He has to fix his himself before he can fix his relationship wiith Dean.

Author's Response:

Thanks for the shiny stars!

I'm really hoping that readers think I got inside Sam's head.  It is a little scary in there, but vastly interesting.  And I do think he knows now that he needs to fix himself before he can expect Dean to forgive and forget.  Thanks again, B.J.