I'm glad you shared this with me and I'm equally glad I started this forum on the vaults. I know what that's like loosing someone you hold dear and I'm sorry for your loss.

I remember it being a lot like what Sam's going through, you're just in limbo. Very little makes since beyond the 'why did this happen?'. Basic needs of life are put aside in your greif. You truly feel alone. And you feel like if anyone comforts you (like Dean tries!) you'll break. I think that's why Sam is pulling away from Dean! I love this story. Thanks again!

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for that, Mandie. Chris (Chasidern) who is also my auntie, told me about your request in the Shoutbox, and I thought it was a great idea. Even though I had a hard choice picking one - lol. 

And yes, I've lost a few near and dear people over the years. You just go on autopilot mode for a while - it's like a coping mechanism. In the few days before my grandfather's funeral, I buried myself in jigsaw puzzles on the computer for hours on end, because that was my little escape. 

Sam had a lot of anger and a heartbreaking fragility about him at the same time at the end of the pilot, and he was still angry at the start of Wendigo, so I tapped into that - that, and the fact that he is so much like John. So I figured Sam would begin to close himself off and throw all his energy into finding Jess' killer - but at the same time he's also drifting aimlessly through his grief, not knowing how to cope or what to do. So small tasks like eating, showering, sleeping - they're all too hard to deal with, so they're going by the wayside. 

He's going to have an interesting journey during that week. 

So glad you're coming along for the ride.

Jules

Powerful, vivid, how you describe the remains of the apartment, and how that makes Sam feel.

You really show us the price he paid through this story!

Damn!
Karen

Author's Response:

I've never thought of Sam as the selfish brat some people see him as. I've always seen him as someone conflicted and in pain, and lashing out. And I sympathised with him in his quest for normal and safe - something which unfortunately he could never have. And he really loved Jess, so seeing the apartment gutted would have had been so hard for him.

Remembering too, that Sam, even though he's a fully trained hunter, was barely out of his teens when the fire took Jess. He had a lot on his young shoulders from a very early age. I'm surprised he's coped as well as he has, actually.

Thanks so much.

Jules

Awesome! Loved Sam's anger directed into his work-out session. And Dean, of course, eager and willing to jump in and train with Sam.

You draw me so deeply in...I forget I'm sitting in a computer chair...reading words. When I get to the end of a chapter...and the words have run out... it's like falling into a dark pit...and I'm like wait! What happened? Where'd everybody go. Does that make sense?

Onward,
Karen

Author's Response:

Finally got around to logging myself back in....sorry about that.

I actually bounced back and forth between the Pilot and Wendigo to get where Sam was at, and he was showing a lot of pent-up anger after Jess died. So I just tapped into that, and the fact that Sam's very revenge-driven, like his father. I figured he'd want to get back into training to be able to hit back hard once he found his target.

Thank you so much - that is a beautiful thing to say. I'm really touched that I can pull you in so deeply to one of my stories.

Hugs,

Jules

I can see the sparkle in your Pop's eyes.

A lovely dedication to him -- that really touched me!

I am here reading your very special story!

Resectfully,

Karen

Author's Response:

Thank you, Karen.

My Pop was such a huge part of my life, sometimes it's hard to remember that he's gone. Coming up to the three-year anniversary in a couple of weeks, too - I'll be in Sydney for the second AHBL OzCon that weekend. Actually, I think the anniversary day is the Sunday, when we're booked for a tour of Sydney Harbour - hope Chris and I don't embarrass ourselves by having a little meltdown on the boat.....

And I hope that you enjoy the story. It was really hard at times, even months down the track, tapping into my own grief to get Sam's right. 

Jules 

Author's Response: Oops - two-year anniversary....I'm blaming that little mistake on too much work and too little sleep.....

This is one hell of a story that I should rest, but wont. I need to finish it because it will bother the hell out of me.

Thank you again for the vivid images of SAM distraught self being.

Author's Response: Sam's always felt things so deeply - I could imagine quite a deep pool of anger and desperation welling inside after Jess' death. But there is soul-aching grief in there as well, just waiting to bubble to the surface and spill over the edge. It's just a matter of time. And don't worry - big brother will be right there to help pick up the pieces....Jules

I think he may be coming back thanks. I personal need that a fantic of the character itself.

The image of Sam practicing is a sensation. The eagerness you place on the character.

the vivid images that have been placed in the story are more than sensational. OUTSTANDING !!!!!!

Author's Response: Thanks for that. Yes, Sam's starting to tap into the whole anger and revenge thing he had going on in Wendigo. But he's riding on adrenaline and not much else - the crash is just a matter of time....Jules

I love it sincerly, and don't worry of making it perfect  . . .  screw thoes that don't understand.

Secondly my condolence to your hole family.

I do love the vivid atmosphear of character imagery of Sam it is brilliently established.

Thanks. For this story relives me once again to the memory of the two people that I loved more then my parents. Unfortunatly loseing the two that where more than a best friend . . .  to me they where my true loveing parents that won't hurt, state, nor kill my eternal soul of living amongest the living.

Author's Response: Thank you, Sam. And thank you for the condolences. It brought back some quite painful memories for me, too, writing this. But it was cathartic at the same time......Jules

That was a really great story!  I really enjoyed reading the weekly updates!!  You made me cry pretty much every week, but that is healthy right?

 THanks so much.  I can't wait to see what you write next!

kat

Author's Response: Oh, my gosh! Sorry about that. Hope it was a healthy cry. And yes, people do say that a good cry is cleansing. Actually, I cried too, while I was writing the bathoom break-down scene. Hope that doesn't sound too weird.... Thanks so much for reading, Kat - I'm glad you loved it. ....Jules

  Great job--I loved the fight scene!!  Good job with the dialogue between the boys!!!Poor Sam! The bathroom scene at the end was heartbreaking. Always enjoy your stories!!

Author's Response: Thank you, Cheri. The whole story was building towards Sam's inevitable meltdown and his decision to go back to hunting - his metamorphosis from student to hunter. He had a long hard road to get there, but that's what grief is - a long hard road. Glad you loved the fight scene - and I do think that Sam would have pounded that jock to a bloody pulp if Dean hadn't stopped him. With his hand-to-hand training and all that anger, he was a bomb waiting to explode during that week. Thanks again - I'm so glad you enjoyed this....Jules

well, this completely worked for me. Lots of emotion, very touching moments, life-changing decisions... Dean finishing the hunt naked would have just been an added bonus, lol... Now I'm waiting impatiently for next week!

Author's Response: Dean starting the hunt naked and staying that way - works for me! ROFL!!! Um - where were we? Oh, right - thank you my dear friend. I am thrilled that you enjoyed it. And it was a life-changing decision that Sam was faced with. It was also something that I feel he had to choose for himself, when he was ready to let go. Thanks, hon.....Jules

thankyou for another truly awesome story. that was beautiful and very believeable you are a very talented writer.

Author's Response: Thank you so very much. You don't know how much that means to me. I still get major butterflies every time I post, and feedback like this is truly balm for my soul. Thank you....Jules

This was just what I needed. You did such a wonderful and awesome job with Sam's feelings about Jessica's death. His grief, paired with the guilt of being the cause for her death and not being there to protect her, the confusion over what to do now and his slow metamorphosis into the hunter were heart and breathtaking. You did this well justice and I feel very strongly that this is very much how the Sam from the pilot would have acted and felt. I also loved Dean's big brotherly attitude, His love for Sam, his unusual patience, with showed how deep his bond with his brother actually reaches (even though they were apart for so long). His helplessness and the eventual decisions in his quest to help his kid brother felt very real also. The supporting characters very very well woven into the plot and added wonderfully to the plot. There was an intensity to this story, that was almost painful, but in a good way, if you understand what I mean. It made me love this story, because I could feel the emotional turmoil and pain. Can't wait for your next project. Hugs, Vonnie

Author's Response:

Thanks, Vonnie. Wow....I really don't know what to say. What an awesome review.

You know, I practically sweated blood over this project. I'm not sure what I would have done if it had fallen flat on its face. Grief is such a roller-coaster - one I've travelled on a few times, sad to say. In tapping into Sam's grief, I unlocked the Pandora's Box of my own. I actually couldn't face working on this story for weeks after my grandfather passed away, because it was just too close to home. So some of that intensity is mine. I have a sense of guilt over my man's death - we argued over something so trivial the last time I spoke to him, and I couldn't quite forgive myself for that. I have carried that guilt with me for many years, because I never got to say I was sorry. He slipped into a coma the next day, and two days after that, he died. So I can understand full well where Sam is coming from. I just thank God that I could translate that to the page and make it believable. Thank you again for such a lovely, thoughtful review....Jules